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I don't know why I keep trying. I don't know why I keep believing and hoping that one day things will change for the better and everything will be okay. I wake up everyday with the feeling of guilt with a tense feeling in my gut and a heavy heart. My mind tells me how I shouldn't do anything. That I'm better off away from others and have them forget about me, but then my heart wants to be alive and care for others. I fight through everyday to follow my heart and ignore this voice in my head, but it has been slowly killing me for the longest time. This voice makes me weak and reminds me how worthless I am. As years go by, it's only getting worse. Medications are becoming more difficult to handle. I want to give up. I can't handle these feelings of dread and pain. Only those who feel my pain can relate to this kind of phenomenon. I can't do or explain to have those I trust help me. They don't understand. They can't comprehend the consistant, wanting to disappear feeling that I go through every single day. The moment I wake up to through the night it will always be there. The hardest part about every day is just being alive. Another hard part is to want to be alive to see the joy that others experience. I want to see people enjoy life. I want to see my sibling grow up, graduate, get married, start families, and see their beautiful children. I'm miserable. So I guess to sum it up, the hardest part about everyday is being visible. I want to see all these great things happen, but I am in the way. I am in the way of everyone's life. I can't enjoy life, I am only an accident. A flaw. A piece of shit that needs to be thrown away. Garbage. Those around me should never have to deal with my bullshit. I'm a bother to those around me. I can't be fixed. I'm falling apart. I'm losing my faith for the future and my patience. Why do I have to be this way? I wish I were a different person. I don't want to be me.
Alone and afraid is what I feel today
Another moment of despise and betray
'tis just another day.
Calling in the distance a cricket of night
Blackest I've felt breathing in the sight
I hold a knife but without a light
I am too blind to find my heart.
Beating in my ears is all I hear
Wont I forget and finally disappear
Stop the pounding and the dark I fear
Or forever trapped in bloody tears.
Scream and cry into empty space
echoes of pathetic sobs in trace
There is nothing here for me in grace
Forgive and forget this face
Forgive and forget this place.
Forgive me.
Forget me.
If I could sort my thoughts, then I would tell you exactly what I'm thinking.
If I could explain the pleasure I felt tonight, then you would cringe with disgust.

If I could feel anything right now, then I hope it to be the sting on my skin.
If I could be okay, but that doesn't seem to be for me.

Hunched over all pathetic
with tears in my eyes- and
knowing later I'd regret it
i held that blade to my side.
My hair has been arranged in knots
and my glasses thrown somewhere on the floor
Where is my breathing I seemed to forgot
yet every breath aches my lungs even more.
Narrow and dark my vision recedes
as my throat suffocates my sense to calm
the fuck down but I still bleed.
I feel so high- I don't know what's going on.
Disappointing and childish I tell myself
I receive all the pain I deserve
and I can't even ask for your help
because all this pain is what you served.
I took and I swallowed every last word
every ounce of heart I felt today
was shredded, trampled on and burned.
A feeling I am afraid to say.
My apologies I'd collect and submit
to you are as worthless as I am,
and these mistakes are more than I can admit.
I am a pitiful fucking shame.

Shame on me.

If I could express how I felt, my last words would be "i'm okay".
I lie in bed with my arms wrapped around a pillow holding it to my chest like an embrace from someone.
I don't need someone- I don't need anyone-
No, please embrace me again, and just hold me for a while.
Maybe hum me a song that you made up at the top of your head,
oh, I'm good at this, see I don't need someone- I don't need anyone.

Have you ever slipped on ice before?
I have. It didn't necessarily hurt but more the fact that I just had to sit on the ground for a bit.
I scraped my hand but I know if I try to stand again I'll fall, and maybe I'll hurt something else.
If you try to help me stand then don't because it's dangerous and I don't want you to fall and scrape your hand-
or worse.

I say I'm not feeling well.
I feel like a hollow, swollen, beaten, worthless piece of shit.
My body enters this abyss of fear and panic to the smell of joy because being happy and sad is a choice and I'm just too indecisive-
too indecisive- but I choose happy yet I'm given sad well no one ever said life was fair.
Sometimes we pull the short end and we suffer through, even though we have all these choices, even though I am absolutely positive I didn't choose to be raped- yet I did choose to kill a part of me.

I say I'm not feeling well.
Kelly, there are things to do, there are people to see, you'll feel better, you'll be fine.
Kelly, stop thinking so negatively, you need to think positive, you'll feel better, you'll be fine.
Kelly, everything's okay, you'll feel better, you'll be fine.

Have you ever loved before?
I have. Love can become so powerful, that all the abuse becomes a numbing, soothing- Yes. Yes, take me away, take me away from this sting on me- Yes. Yes, I'm so stupid, why am I being so selfish? Forgive me, I will change, I will be whatever you want me to be just please I cannot handle this temper, yet I know I deserve worse.
What I would give to feel free,
and I've already set arrangements for the trade,
but how
selfish of me to yearn this sensation, and I'm afraid
I don't deserve this because it won't come to me.
I won't have that smile in my eyes,
and I won't see the sun shine in my mind.
I know I'm crazy, and cruel on myself,
but all I do is reach and beg for help.

Pathetic phone calls and cries
with words that victimize you
and all that you do.
I just feel so trapped and sore
from breathing like chained and restrained in flames
and the air is getting hotter
and thicker with every gasps of air I collapse.
And on the ground will be where I lay
with no feeling or desire to pray
because looking at the floor I can't help to wonder
"What's it take to be six feet under?"
Maybe in my coffin I'll be free.
Maybe my coffin is where I'm supposed to be.

Those around me
they say they love me.
they tell me they care and that I'm important.
But they don't feel this pain
and they can't hear these voices in my head.
I know I'm worthless.
I know I'm hated and not appreciated.
I don't need to hear your comment,
because trust me, I've already thought it.
I'm no special thing
nor a figment of beauty.
I'm a sad, lost soul with no motivation or purpose.
I am a scrap paper thrown away,
I am a cigarette butt stepped on the ground.
I am a beer bottle shattered against the wall.
I am that headache you take your motrin for.
I am the rain you wipe off your windshield.
I am the vomit you flush away.
I am the cancer you kill,
the anger you build,
and the promises failed.

What I would give to feel free...
free from ill.
Although she chose to let me go
I know my mommy loves me so
I can feel it in my heart
With me she can't bear to part
But if she chose to let me live
Her future she would have to give
But someday it will be my turn
to grow and live and love and learn
Though my body will be gone
You'll feel me in the air at dawn
Whispering that I will wait
Patiently for my chance at fate
My soul will be here when you're ready
When our future is safe and steady
then to term you'll carry me
and discover who I grow to be.


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FrozenJinga Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014  Student General Artist
ghearradh Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
thank you thank you thank you so so much for watching me! i really appreciate it! :hug:
QuietLikeSnow Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
of course
williamfdevault Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you for the fave on Mandela's Chariot. :blackrose:
QuietLikeSnow Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013
no problem
williamfdevault Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013  Professional Writer
Oops, I meant "thick penetration" (Nice to see someone likes this one!)
schzimmyDearr Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
thanks for the fav. and If you liked it, then you can join my page on :facebook: - [link] I would appreciate (:
JPtHart Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Student Photographer
A belated thanks for the favourite. :aww:
QuietLikeSnow Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012
no problem at all
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